Wordle
First breakfast croissant
Graham crackers in the pantry
People don’t want to hear what I have to say
What I have to say is obvious
What I have to say is derivative from other, better minds
Second breakfast
What I have to say I have learned from people near me
I might write things that are critical of others
People near me might see themselves in what I write
There might be M&Ms
I might be right
I might be wrong
People near me might be uncomfortable
My nails look terrible
People near me might be sad
People near me might be angry
People might reject me
I should make cookie dough right this second
People might avoid me
Or even faster: popcorn with chocolate chips
People might be clients
Clients would be uncomfortable, sad, angry
I might be fired
I might not be able to get new clients
I should go to the store and get the really good mac and cheese
I might have to get a regular job, executing someone else’s vision
I should take a walk
Their vision might be stupid and I might have to do it anyway
Just a half glass of wine at lunch, just enough to derail the freak-out train
I might not even be able to get a regular job
I might become radioactive and unemployable
Telling the truth didn’t ruin Jim Carrey in “Liar Liar” because he’s a tall white male attorney
I should read more, if I’m going to be a writer
People might think I’m an asshole
People might tell me I’m an asshole
I might be an asshole
I should find a book to read instead
I don’t want people to be uncomfortable around me
I want to be a safe place for people with problems
(Even if that means I can’t help them solve their problems because I won’t tell the truth about their problems? Maybe. Sometimes.)
It’s a privilege to just have the internal debate about whether to write/say the truth as I see it
I suck
I’m a goddamed coward
I hate that fucking blinking cursor
I’m overthinking it
Who even cares what I say?
I have nothing unique to say
I should just go to brunch.
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When progress isn’t being made on any kind of project, it makes sense to pause and take a good close look at the barriers. Whenever you’re pushing for some kind of change, there is going to be resistance. This is true in retail (people don’t buy Pepsi because they’re used to buying Coke), work (forgetting how to use the new HR system), and personal lives (trying to eat healthy but eating ice cream when under stress).
The idea is that when you figure out what the barrier is, you can resolve it or work around it, right? Ha ha ha! It took me about 15 minutes to come up with 50 reasons to NOT write a blog post, and the only reason it took that long is that I’m not a very good typist.
I can’t address all these issues. They’re Hydra (1) heads—two more barriers emerge every time I cut one off. Fear is like that sometimes– I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that when things feel high-stakes, like stating an unpopular opinion, I’m overwhelmed with 50 and more reasons to freeze or flight.
A friend said this weekend, “I’d like to see you with a bit more ‘fuck you.’” It struck me that he was saying I should add more fight into my fear reactions, so I’m not always just freezing or fleeing. I’m standing my ground to fight against the fears that multiply like Hydra heads. Give myself the permission and the ability to go face-to-face with fear, and say, “Fuck you, I’m going to do it anyway. Even if I have to learn to fight.”
Honestly, why not? My opinions are actually not that shocking and no one’s reading them anyway. Why not try to stand up for myself against, to begin with, myself? And then maybe build up a little fighting spirit so I’m better able to stand up for other people, and for truth? At this point, the main challenge is to get the pen moving.
We’re such weird little animals, that we have all these well-honed skills (social sensitivity, foresight) that protect us, but that also sometimes need to be peeled back. Like over-active immune systems, or protective dogs.
This humaning business is tricky.
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1: Hercules didn’t kill the Hydra by himself. Even Hercules needed help in developing a better approach and executing it. His nephew Iolaus figured out they could kill the Hydra by cauterizing the necks. Lot to learn there. Iolaus might be the patron saint of consultants, when you think about it. Solve the problem, let the client have the credit.